I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
