he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
