So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he puts the penis in happiness.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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