found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
