**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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