We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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