its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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