Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
