Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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