my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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