In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
