Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
