Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
