Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
In other news, I just burned my penis
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
