There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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