Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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