He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
