So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
