He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
