wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Fuck me I smell like cheese
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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