have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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