when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
