i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
