My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
