woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
