Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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