last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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