you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
