Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
