I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
