I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
