Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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