when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
