just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
