Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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