if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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