There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
