i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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