I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
