I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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