i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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