So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
