i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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