Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
