I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she told me i tasted like america
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
