They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
