so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
