Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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