connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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