yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
