he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
