Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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